Passion

I woke up feeling heavy in the head and tired in body. I dream a lot these days, weird complicated dreams. I long for something else. My work is killing me, to stressful, too much, to pressure. I am never able to make something of quality there. I long for being with horses. I love their company, but I don't believe that I can find a way to do that, find a way to learn others a way of friendship with these animals. I know that is my mind though, cause the burning in my heart reveals a passion so intense. Why don't I believe in my own life journey!? Why do I refuse to stand by myself, stand up for myself and do the work that it takes? Maybe I should just start that Kickstarter campaign to see if I could possible raise the money to take in two horses and begin the initial work for such a center. Maybe I should stop waiting for finding the right place, saving up, and whatever else it is that I am waiting for. I am so scared of getting even more exhausted. More work, I can hardly handle all the chores around the house myself on top of all the energy that my paid work takes from me. But I also know that taking care of animals and being in their company refuels me. By not doing this type of work, it feels like I am actually letting a part of this world, my unseen herd down. I feel like screaming sometimes, in shear frustration that I can feel them so close and I want it so bad but I can't find a way to create it in the manifest world. It is like the energy is stuck in my arms and can't get out. Like I have a to high-speed trains at max speed running in my arms but getting stuck at the elbows, making all that energy build up. Imagine how frustrating a feeling that is and I run around with that feeling all the time. It is always there in the background even though I am not fully conscious of it, I have to hide it in order to go on or i'll go crazy! That's how it feels.

Ahh, what to do about it all? Contact other organisations that sanctuaries horses and other animals. Hear their story, efforts and trials. Just to get connected maybe. Hmmm….. Or maybe just begin that Kickstarter and see what happens. Figure out some yearly costs. Maybe that could be the purpose of connection to the other organisations too, to figure out the costs so I have something to go by. Yeah that sounds good.

I feel excited now, in a scary way. I am use to knowing the landscape before setting out into it, at least somehow know the possibilities. Here I know very little. It makes me feel uncomfortable. What if I can't make it happen. What if I fail and look stupid. Looking foolish and stupid again. I hate that! When writing this though it seems so little, such a small fear standing in the way. And, if it doesn't work, then at least I tried and hell maybe I will even try again! How about that!

Now I have to get ready for work. I have to pull myself up, go be there for all the other people, go forget my dreams, my longings and myself. It is a heavy feeling. It is cold and grey outside and most of all I just want to go get in my car and drive. Drive off to into new adventures. Drive to the place where, I this morning on facebook saw two horses from a sanctuary needing new homes. But I can't let myself fall in love yet, not knowing if I can take them, keep them, just another heartbreak waiting to happen. This world and all its heartbreaks- it's exhausting–getting your hopes up and then feeling the hard cruel landing of having to realize that your hopes were futile. But I know my own character, I know I don't shy away for long. Hopefully :) I am just warming up to going out there and ramping through, testing the waters full on to see whether they want to breach or bear! I will do it, I have to do it or I will die disappointed in myself and that doesn’t sound fun now, does it?

*the picture is of a horse called Trixie that is currently looking for a new home, see the following link (in Dansih):http://www.hestenshaab.dk/nyheder.php?subID=494